FIRED. QUIT. NEITHER.

FIRED. QUIT. NEITHER.

I'm a list keeper. There are lots of us. But I go way beyond the 'to do' list...way, way beyond. I keep lists about so many things, there are lists of the lists. It is a life-long affliction of 'I don't want to forget'. Why? I don't know. Hmmm, maybe I need a list of the reasons I keep lists...

I haven't shared this with too many people for fear of being found out as the nutcase I already know I am...but a few intimates have discovered my penchant for recording data, and the one list that always garners laughs and scrutinizing attention is my 'jobs' list.

You see, I have had a record employment history. I think that this is what started the whole list thing way back when. I couldn't possibly remember all the work history, so I started writing it all down. Then I wondered why I couldn't keep a job? What was it about me that kept me interviewing for the next and the next and the next job, but never satisfied once I got the gig? Ah...maybe the list. I wanted to fill it.

I am the world's best 'interview' – always making a wonderful first impression. I get hired. Then, I get fired. Or, I quit. Or, neither.

What's “neither”? Well, let's say the job is temporary. (Of course, for me, they all were) Or maybe the company merges, or ceases to exist, or relocates, or...well, you get the idea. It's just over. Neither fired, nor quitting – it's just a 'neither'. At least that's how I started recording it on my columnar-style list.

Early on, my record was about 3 weeks. I noticed a pattern (one of the advantages to keeping a list), and after about 3 weeks, I'd feel the itch to move on. Boredom, exasperation, crappy bosses, a whole host of 'I'm just not cut out for this job' syndrome.

You're probably wondering how many jobs can a person have? More than 1000. And no, you did not read that wrong. 1000+.

This explains my illustrious personality and my knowledge base about just about everything on earth – except for being a doctor or a lawyer, I've pretty much done it all. Name a field or a profession, and yep...I've been there. For 3 weeks. Or less.

I was a fabulous candidate for a temp service! I did everything from an 'Ebola pickup' at someone's house, to security work – just for a day, or temporary. That's what I liked about it – that it was TEMPORARY! I worked for Manpower for a long time – more than my customary 3 weeks, because we both had the same idea of how long a job should last.

Also, as an actress and then a casting director – it's just intrinsic to these positions that you show up, do the job, and then it's over! I was perfectly suited to this kind of work.

But it's the 1 day jobs that I remember as the most outrageous circumstances. They're the ones that garner the most comments and laughs with those special few that have actually seen the list.

Take for example, the day I drove a taxi cab in Pittburgh. Peoples Cab Co. There, I named them! My job was to drive disabled and retarded kids to school. Easy, right? Except the cab they gave me had no brakes! When I hit the brake pedal, not much happened and I was scared out of my mind with mentally disabled passengers! I frantically careened and slid my way around the city for that 1 day. Quit!

Or the day I was an exotic dancer. Okay...it really started with a wet T-shirt contest, which was a no-brainer, because, well, if you knew me you'd know why I easily won THAT contest! But, when they offered me the job, there was no mention of having to take ALL my clothes off. Quit!

What about my day as a bridal consultant? For a bridal store in a mall. Nope. Not suited for the high maintenance 'bride-to-be' and all that hanging up yet another dress. Quit!

Too many waitress and cocktail jobs to even count. Quit. Quit. Quit.

Me...as a mall security officer? Now, this one did last a couple weeks...I think I liked the uniform and the false sense of authority. But finally, it was the polyester that got me. And in all the wrong places. Quit. (Though I do have fond and fading memories of that utility belt with all those useless gadgets).

Too many jobs where I got 'involved' (the polite way of putting it) with the bosses. Fired. Fired. Quit.

Bank teller. Seven banks. Three states. Robbed twice. Enough said. (Not a big fan of guns pointed at me). Maybe I Quit – but maybe this should go under 'Neither'.

Advertising sales. One day – Quit. Secret shopper. I liked this one. Several months. Quit. (Too much paperwork). Avon representative? Yep. Quit. I was my own biggest customer...no income. Dry Cleaners – clerk at department store – cashier – not me, sorry...Quit. Quit. Quit.

So, what worked, you wonder?

I was a movie theater manager for more than 3 years! Wow – a record! Hey, I was the boss – what's not to like? Eventually, they merged with a giant national company and I was fired. Just my luck, right?

I taught ice skating and piano lessons for a long time. I liked the creative aspect, I guess. Neither. (Just sort of wore down or out)

What's that saying?...'A jack of all trades and a master at none?'...or something like that? I don't know – I like to think I know a little about a lot of things. I've traveled all over the globe as a special interest lecturer on cruise ships and my background certainly enabled me to hold the interest of varied audiences on various subjects. I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff.

Oh, did I forget about my stand up comedy attempts? Yep. Did that too. Sometimes, I was actually good at it. Neither.

My list goes on and on for pages and pages. When I review it from time to time, I remember each scenario, each boss, each catastrophe that led to being Fired, or Quit, or Neither, but I'll bet you can't say you ever made $146 just to go pick up an Ebola dog food sample at someone's house, can you? Neither.

Just Another Lori Story...